Chronic Singleton

2008-04-10T14:24:00.002-04:00

Is the Grass Always Greener?

So, I once used to look enviously upon "happy" couples, and married people and think it must be nice to "have somebody." Now as part of one of those "happy" couples all I can really say is that I miss the independence and simplicity of my single life. Yes, in some ways my life now is less complex for example I know what I am going on Friday/Saturday nights and with whom but in almost every other way coupledom is much more complicated.

For example, the simple act of buying and installing a ceiling fan. Before I would have gone to the store looked at the fans and picked one out I liked. The main problem would have been how to install it since as a single woman I have neither the arm strength nor the ladder required to put it up. But more than likely I would have called my sister or one of my friends and we would have put it up. More recently, a ceiling fan purchase for two rooms took a lot of negotiation on which fan matches, if it was too girly, how low to hang it, and what size fan was appropriate for the room. Then came the long process of installation in which I was talked to like someone who had never fixed or assembled something herself and ended with a big argument over if I had properly balanced the ceiling fan. I realize how silly this all sounds but it really does make me long for the good old days in which I was the sole dictator of what happened in my life. . . consensus can sometimes be painful and over-rated.

Now, there are also advantages. . .someone to take care of you when you are sick, to cook dinner when you are too tired. . .ect. Anyways it is much easier to see the pluses and minuses once you have been on both sides.

2008-04-03T20:52:00.002-04:00

Long Absence. . .ENDS

So it has been quite a while since I had the mental/physical energy to blog. I have gone through so many changes in the last year of my life that I think I needed time to process the new person I am slowly becoming before I told the whole world about it. I guess maybe this change comes with age. . .since I am now in my thirties (yes, I know I am not old but I can slowly feel myself settling down a bit).

One major change in my life since last year has been my boyfriends move to Vegas and into my house. It is amazing how different a relationship becomes at close proximity. I have had relationships before where I practically lived with someone but not ones where I literally spent night and day with someone. It can sometimes be very tiring and difficult but I am beginning to think it is worth it. I only wish that he had friends here locally. . .then I would have a little more down time for me.

2007-04-18T11:10:00.000-04:00

What Kind of A Country Are We?

What sort of a people and political system in the face of incident after incident of violence and loss continues to engage the problem in the same way? I cannot comprehend how in the face of the latest tragedy many in the pro-gun community could think more guns are an answer to the problem. We have tried the solution of arming ourselves to the teeth. . .it is the outcome of loose gun laws and a culture that solves problems with guns that has caused this disease. The idea that some have that arming teachers and university staff is as absurd as treating alcoholism with extra doses of alcohol.

I like many others over the past few days am shocked and saddened by the awful events at Virginia Tech. I like many others can't believe the enormous tragedy that has befallen the faculty and students on the Virginia Tech campus. But what is even more unbelievable to me is the way in which the pro gun lobby has reacted. Rather than being reasonable and looking for a compromise. They are actually proposing additional guns as a solution to this problem.

Prior to this tragedy a bill existed in the Nevada legislature that would have made it legal for teachers to carry guns on campus. The bill was nonsense and was going nowhere before this disaster. The sponsor of the bill has used this terrible event to capitalize politically and has been on both TV and radio claiming that more guns on campus could have prevented or minimized the incident.

NEVER MIND that most faculty members are not the type to own or know how to properly use guns.
NEVER MIND that we are not should we have to be law enforcement in addition to being counselors, babysitters, administrators, and the myriad of other jobs we are expected to do that have nothing to do with increasing knowledge.
NEVER MIND that guns in homes are more likely to result in accidentally shooting one of your own loved ones than an intruder.
NEVER MIND that faculty are people too and they too might have serious mental or emotional issues that could result in a similar tragedy.

Yeah. . .lets just all go get guns . . .I am sure I will feel much safer that the slightly senile professor who has the office down the hall from me is armed to the teeth.

2007-04-16T01:21:00.000-04:00

Spring Cleaning and Shape-Up

So I have finally decided to shake off what ever funk I have been suffering from for the last couple of months. I actually didn't realize what a funk I had been in until I was in Italy on the trip of a lifetime and even then not over joyed. It wasn't so much that I have been sad lately just sort of sleep walking through my life. It doesn't make sense but we don't always get to pick how we feel. But I am done with all that now . . .I am finally awake and finally feeling myself and it is no longer the time to mope.

After all I finally have the job I have wanted for years, a great boyfriend, a nice place to live and generally other than just being a little too busy nothing to complain about.

Today, I woke up with a sense of purpose and drive I haven't felt in months. I really feel like spring is here and it is time to start fresh. I cleaned out my files, went for a run, cleaned house, and just enjoyed feeling like I was getting things long over due done.

2007-03-26T15:05:00.000-04:00

Recovering from Roma

So I have finally returned home a few days later than scheduled thanks to US Airways and much, much more tired than I could have imagined. After almost a week, I feel like I am nursing a case of permanent jet lag.

Rome can be best summed up as a beautiful mess. It is over crowded, graffiti covered, noisy, dirty, and chaotic but it is unexpected, beautiful, awe inspiring, and unbelievably welcoming. The people although completely over whelmed with crowds and rude tourists for the most part are kind and gracious. They want to help and they want you to love their city as much as they do. They want you to enjoy the food and the wine. They want you to see and understand the rich culture and heritage.

But nothing runs on time. . .I got pick pocketed (nothing serious just a few items that didn't mean anything), and a very serious case of blistered feet. All and all I am happy I went. . .and I wish I had more time and energy to take it all in. I am both happy to be home and wishing it all wasn't so far away and so different from where I live.

Above is a collage of just a few of the hundreds of pictures took.

2007-03-06T17:09:00.000-05:00

Chronic Singleton Goes International

No, I haven't suddenly signed some book deal or decided to move over seas. I am just taking a long needed vacation next week in the Eternal City of Rome. I am so excited not only because I have always wanted to go to Rome and that I love Europe but also it is the first time I have traveled internationally solo. My two previous trips were either with school or friends. I am so excited about setting my own priorities and schedule and not worrying about what anyone else wants to do.

I plan to take in many of the major sights but also to just simply wander around and enjoy meeting new people and experiencing new things. I can't wait to go and I can't wait to come back home and blog about it.

2007-02-20T17:34:00.000-05:00

Falling Actually and Metaphorically

So I will admit it I finally fell pray to the charm and hype of Valentine's Day. I know my last post simply pouted about the need to conform to a specific day on which romance is prescribed and not spontaneous but sometimes things happen when you least expect it. My dear Valentine. . . keeps continually surprising me by his ability to overcome my worst moods, fears, and cynicism with patience and a sense of humor.

Despite a fairly disastrous actual Valentine's Day celebration where he still fairly new to my life cooked me a surprise dinner full of things I don't usually eat and wasn't particularly excited about, I think it is safe to say I am falling under his spell. He misses some of the details (like the fact that I don't eat pork) but always gets the main idea and takes difficulty with a great deal more grace than anyone I have ever met when wrong.

All this can be illustrated with my very first day of skiing ever. My Valentine's present from him was a day of skiing at a near by ski resort this past weekend. All those of you that know me in real life, know that I am not the most graceful person ever in fact I fall much closer to the other end of the spectrum. While somewhat athletic, I have struggled lately with bad knees and frustrations with my own physical limitations so I was more than a little worried about skiing.

The first run down the hill proved as disastrous as had feared with somewhere around a dozen crashes before making it to the bottom of the bunny slope. Granted some of these falls were intentional to avoid hitting the innocent children also learning to ski for the first time. He stayed with me the whole time and kept his cool despite me jokingly accusing him of "trying to kill me." By the fifth or sixth run down the hill, I was actually having a lot of fun. My "coach" kept telling me how great I was doing and never once lost his cool. By the end of the day my fear had faded and I knew how great it was to be supported by someone who really wanted me to succeed. He pushed me to keep going when I wanted to quit but without bullying me.

This guy . . .hmmm . . . how do I put this. . .is more than I expected and maybe just what I need.

2007-02-14T17:13:00.000-05:00

St. Valentine's Day BLAHs

So it is that time of year again. . .yet another Valentine's Day. I don't really know what it is but I just can't seem to get into the spirit. All week this week I have woken up more tired than when I went to sleep and have barely been able to drag myself through an entire day. SO tonight I am supposed to all the sudden put on a big sappy grin and act romantic. . .just because the calendar says it is Valentine's Day. I'm sorry but it just ain't happening.

After two cups of coffee (which for me is usually enough to put me into orbit) and more sugar than is medically advisable I still don't have the energy. I just feel like wearing black and letting my own personal little rain cloud follow me around. . .I know I will put on a happy face if for no other reason than show but I really, really, really don't feel like it. I can't help but ask myself, Is this symptomatic of a lack of excitement for my boyfriend or simply just bad timing for a down energy week? I think it is simply the latter but all I know what I really want right now is a nap.

2007-02-10T12:27:00.000-05:00

Baby Love

So on February 1st, I became an aunt again for the second time. My new nephew's name is Ryan and he has tons of dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He looks a little like my sister and a little like my brother in law.

I was again completely bowled over by how great it just felt to hold him while he slept. Apparently, I make a good nap place because he slept completely soundly for three hours which according to my sister was one of the longest uninterrupted periods of sleep in his very short life.

2007-02-02T14:14:00.000-05:00

A Very Vegas Weekend

So like most locals I usually stay away from the "Strip" during my daily life in Vegas but when guests come to town you just "have" to go down there. This last weekend several of my East Coast friends were in town for a conference and two of them decided to renew their wedding vows after two and a half years of marriage in the Graceland Wedding Chapel (http://www.gracelandchapel.com/index.html). The very same chapel where Bon Jovi himself got married. Clearly, this was to be the social event of the season.

It was by far the silliest most fun wedding I have ever been to. The young Elvis decked out in his finest gold jacket walked the bride down the aisle singing Love Me Tender. Then preformed vows in which the bride had to promise to never step on the groom's Blue Suede Shoes and then serenaded the couple with All Shook Up mid vow renewal. The wedding processional was then led by Elvis singing A Little Less Conversation A Little More Action.

2007-01-24T13:05:00.000-05:00

Just Buy a F****** Couch!

NPR has this great weekly radio show called This American Life that every week covers a different topic and it has become something of an obsession of mine. It just so happens this week the show seems particularly topical since the same debate also seems to have been entered into by Jen Schefft of both the Bachelor and Bachelorette fame.

Basically, the story on This American Life focuses on a confirmed bachelor who after over 18 years of searching for the perfect couch has yet to commit. This couch has become somewhat of a methaphor for the rest of this guy's life with his refusal to settle becoming somewhat of a centerpiece.

It has annoyed his friends, family, and a string of girlfriends. One angry fight between this very discerning gentleman and a girlfriend ended with her telling him to "just buy a F****** couch!" He like many picky people is often urged just to settle but he persists in his quest for the perfect couch. This modern Don Quixote continues to tilt at windmills. He asks himself "Do I hold out for one that really knocks me out or do I just settle for something that I can live with or really doesn't know me out?" It has become the thing that causes him more concern and dismay than anything in his life. It is his quest.

Jen Scheff also is coming out on the side of being picky with her new book, Better Single than Sorry. (No, I haven't read it but if some kind publisher is willing to send me a copy I might.) She basically makes the point that it is better to understand what you can and can't live with than to accept less than what you want. I understand this really well. You head tells you that someone is really nice and stable and will make a good husband. You know that they will try to make you happy but you know in your gut it just isn't your ideal.

Jen Scheff has been somewhat demonized by single men who saw her as unable to be satisfied. She had and left the "Bachelor" after having beaten out a gaggle of other single, beautiful, and determined women. She then went on to have a gaggle of single, handsome, and determined men compete over her only to reject them all. While, I would never allow myself to get into the situations that she found herself in. . .I really do feel for her since among my friends and family as an overly picky perfectionist.

These two very different stories are emblematic of one side of a debate that now rages between me and many of my single friends. Do we settle for something less than perfect or do we just simply get on with it? Do we seek perfection or do we settle for good rather than great? Part of everyone wants both. We want the perfection but we also want the resolution. It is just a matter of if you can live with OK or will you, like many people, think you can settle and ultimately end up unhappy? If you could be certain that OK would be enough then we would go ahead and buy the couch but that little bit of doubt has us still shopping.

2007-01-17T23:07:00.000-05:00

The Beauty of Vegas Away From The Strip

2007-01-15T11:51:00.000-05:00

Passages and Growing Older

So it is January and again I find myself at a turning point of a new year. I've noticed as I have gotten older that New Years hold both more promises and more threats. The promises are those of a career finally taking off and the hope that maybe this year I will get my act together personally as well as professionally. The threats seem to all be related to family and the frailty of those we love.

As a child, my grandparents were always relatively healthy and active. As I have reached adulthood, I have seen my grandparents pass from active to frail and have seen the passing of two grandmothers in two years. My grandmother last year passed away in a car accident taken like anyone could be taken in an instant and without warning. A few days after Christmas, my other grandmother passed away after a protracted fight with Parkinson's disease.

In recent years, she has been a reminder of both how strong someone can be in the face of illness and the type of endurance it takes to live with such things and how difficult the limitations of our own bodies are at times. As her body failed and became unreliable, she had to depend upon my aunt and her family to care for her. She essentially became trapped by a body she could no longer control even though her mind remained as strong and sharp as ever.

I am beginning to think one of the hallmarks of adulthood is simply having to let go of those that looked over you and beginning to look over those that come after you. My parents have also recently begun to more openly show the signs of age with more frequent health problems and complaints of aches and pains. They are no longer able to keep pace with me and my sister and do all of the things they want to do. Their struggles scare me and remind me to take care of myself now in order to make sure I limit my own frailty later in life.

There is also hope this year mixed with all this melancholy and sadness. I am absolutely in love with my nephew. His chubby soft round limbs and devilish laugh made it impossible for my family to dwell to long on the past. He made us smile through our tears and reminded us that letting go of a loved one is sometimes necessary to make room for those that come after. He at 7 months old already loves words and books. He loves to laugh and play. He takes joy in almost everything and fears nothing.

I also know that in a few short weeks, I will be falling in love all over again with the arrival of another niece or nephew here in Vegas. The promise of watching over them as they grow makes all the struggle and saddness of the last year easier to take.

There is also promise in my own life of a career that is finally underway, an apartment that is starting to look like a sane adult lives there, a boyfriend that cares for me and wants nothing more than to make me happy, and a wide world to explore.

2006-12-22T15:54:00.000-05:00

The Unlikeliest Hero

So, I sit here in my Vegas apartment. . .still in pajamas after lunch time. I guess I am enjoying the freedom of my new life and taking a day off every once in a while. Yesterday, I was faced with one of the scariest things that can happen to you as an adult. I was faced with the mortality of two people I love very much. My grandfather and my mother were both in the hospital on the same day. I found my self completely lost, unable to work, scared, angry, and very sad. I called the "Nice Guy" at work. He talked me down well enough so that I could put on a brave face and go into work to meet with a very troublesome character.

The "Nice Guy" didn't simply pat me on the head and try to get me off the phone like so many other would have done. He put aside what he was doing and actually took the time to listen to what was going on. Even more surprising that night when I called him to apologize about interrupting his work day. Instead of agreeing with me that it was best not to call at when he was at work, he insisted that he was happy to hear from me whenever and that I shouldn't hesitate to call if I needed to talk. While, I am not much for over the top assertions this one seemed to hit the right note at the right moment. I am glad that on such a bad day I had such a "Nice Guy" to talk me through it.

2006-12-18T15:39:00.000-05:00

There Comes A Time. . .

In every woman's life when we realize that that bad boy, no matter how appealing in the short run, will not be appealing in the long run. For me that time is now. I in the past have loved many a rogue. I affectionately call them my "project" men. This was not because they were always working on projects but because they very quickly became projects. Like the darling Victorian house that would be so cute if you only spend your entire life savings and every spare minute fixing it up (a la the money pit). The difference is at least with the house if you work hard enough and long enough you might break even.

As my mood of late has shifted from beautiful but completely impractical shoes to comfy and not so lovely shoes, my taste has also shifted from dangerous to safe men. Since moving to Vegas, I have been hit on by many rogues which the old me would have found completely irresistible. Somehow miraculously, I don't want them anymore or perhaps it is more accurate to say I don't want them enough to deal with the hangover after they are gone. I am still having a little bit of trouble being completely in love with the "safe, stable and mature" options but at least this seems to be a step in the right direction.

2006-11-12T03:59:00.000-05:00

Finally Ready to Let go of the Bad Boys

Something funny has happened to me since passing through the rather odd portal into my seeming adulthood . . .I am all the sudden mostly immune to scoundrels. I say mostly because if the right scoundrel came along I still might get weak at the knees and find myself hopelessly attracted.

Since moving to Vegas I have done very little dating. Very little especially for me who usually always has something, the beginning of something, or the remains of something going on relationship wise. I decided not that long after arriving here I was going to go through something like relationship detox. . .cold turkey and spend a little time simply figuring out what it was that I wanted.

My last major relationship played out a lot like the relationship in the movie Shopgirl where a much older man swept me off my feet and spoiled me rotten only to leave me feeling as if there were certain lines I couldn't cross, certain things I couldn't say and something I could never be for him. So in the end I made my choice and I walked away. Only to fall immediately into lust. . .with a scoundrel that promised much and delivered little and then just vanished. Then for a while I became the scoundrel. . . never quite all there and never quite sure why. . .I just couldn't be. . .it just wasn't right and never could be.

So for a little while I have sat in solitude reading books, watching movies, buying my own flowers and just thinking. . .Thinking about what I really wanted. I have come to realize scoundrels might be fun and may know all the right things to do but they will never be the guy that holds you hand when you're scared and picks you up off the floor when you can't do that for yourself. So I think my time for scoundrel men has passed. It is time to date nice guys. Men that basically fit the mold of my older sister's husband . . .they may not make other women swoon with envy but they will be there to hold your hand when you need it.

I will post more about said mystery "nice" guy, as far as I can tell in my next post.

2006-11-04T23:49:00.000-05:00

nihilism, the Movies and the Shallow World that is Las Vegas

I have now lived in Las Vegas for several months and it still a little bit like having wandered onto a movie set. But then again I think much of life is feels this way from time to time. The only difference is that in Las Vegas no one tries to get beyond this facade. It is so much more about the exterior here than what is inside. In Nevada this week we are awaiting preparing to vote for our next set of elected representatives and new laws to govern the state.

The races here have been nasty and seedy but that is almost par for the course anywhere. The most shocking thing is the ability of powerful and monied interests, aka the casinos, to influence the ballot options that have to do with even the most common sense items. The worst and most obvious example is the two initiatives put forth on smoking. The first one, question 4, is a facade much like the rest of Vegas. It pretends to change the law to eliminate smoking in some public areas but it actually doesn't do anything. It doesn't even remove smoking from grocery and convenience stores. The second initiative, Question 5, was put forth by the American Heart Association and the American Lund Association, is almost surely doomed but would actually enact desperately needed changes in Nevada. It would remove smoking from restaurants, grocery stores, and any other public space that wasn't a gaming area. However, it will loose because those pushing the fake anti-smoking initiative have claimed it is bad for business. . .Heaven forbid that we should loose money just to prevent a little cancer, suffering and death.

Sorry guys just not feeling my usually funny single self these days. . .But I promise the next blog will be about flirting or kissing the wrong man. . .just needed to vent a little tonight.

2006-10-12T02:28:00.000-04:00

Why Single Girls Love Jane Austin

Every single girl I know loves Jane Austin. . .Recently I have been putting some thought into why. Mainly, this thought has been brought on by my fear of leaving the house and having yet another disaster to add to my growing list but that was the last blog and I digress. So, staying in has led to the renting of a lot of movies. The movie renting fit has also been brought on somewhat by one of my favorite Vegas discoveries, the DVD rental vending machine.

My two favorites by far of the very long string of movies I have rented lately both involve Jane Austin. The first is a remake of the many times made Pride and Prejudice. The second is the Lake House which references and somewhat depends upon Jane Austin's last book Persuasion. I could list on the books by Jane Austin but for simplicity sake we will focus on these two.

The first thing we love about these books is that they have heroines not wimpy women waiting for their prince charming. The characters do not sit idly by waiting for their "prince to come" like in a fairy tale. They are not simple and often they take great risks and pass up the easy answer of just any man being enough. They are willing to accept a life of less luxury and great solitude rather than settle.

The second thing we love is the lack of apology these characters have about who they are. The woman we all wish we had the strength to be is Elizabeth Bennett, who is bright, dignified and kind. She is the type of woman we want to be and hope to be on our best days. We cheer on her bravery and her bookishness. She is also human and makes mistakes but is strong enough to own up to those mistakes and correct them.

Ann, the heroine of Persuasion, also fights for what she wants. She holds out hope of a better tomorrow and sees beyond the material possessions to fall in love with someone that is a true soul mate. She waits years for him.

These women are unyielding and uncompromising. They fight hard despite having all the odds against them and somehow after all the heart ache come out on top.

I will admit the last thing we love. . .is the idea of the clothes and dresses of the era. As much as I love a nice pair of pants, as do most modern women, I can't resist the idea of fancy ball gowns and white gloves.

2006-10-02T20:05:00.000-04:00

DISASTER GIRL strikes again!

You know your penchant for disastrous days is getting serious when other people start to notice. I have in the past been known to get myself into ridiculous situations but never have they come in such a string as they have since I moved to Las Vegas. . .It is sooooo bad that my otherwise wonderful and kind brother in law has decided to give me an anti-super hero/super villain type nickname, "Disaster Girl".

I admit it is kinda catchy. . .and part of me wants to start designing the outfit to go with the "scary and damaged" persona of Disaster Girl. The other part of me just wants to stick with my "Clark Kent" like alter ego and hope that the long string of bad luck will pass.

The string of bad luck started as I was moving out here. The events that have caused the nickname are the following:

1) Emergency Room Visit in Dallas halfway through my cross country drive which was prompted by getting sick all over myself and my car.

2) A flat tire the morning after the emergency room visit which added insult to injury of riding in a car that smelled so bad that even the Bush administration would have thought twice about forcing Guantanamo detainees to ride in it.

3) The "Great Exploding Soda" incident of 2006 - I didn't know a 12 pack of soda would explode if left in a hot car in August in Nevada. . .but then before it happened to me I guess I hadn't given it much thought.

4) My car breaking down on Las Vegas Blvd because of a leak in the fuel line. (I admit I am a little lucky in that the fuel line leak didn't cause anything to catch fire).

5) My sister's dog decided to eat a disposable razor while I was dog sitting. By the way the dog's prognosis is really good but I don't know if or when I will ever feel safe around small children or animals again. I may not even allow myself to visit my nephew again until I can work up a better track record.

So short of setting up Bob's barricades with flashing orange lights around me so as to at least keep other innocent people/animals in the general public safe. . . since bad things are supposed to happen in threes the only thing I can really do is hold my breath and wait for #6.

I also really wonder if there is a higher power in the universe if all this bad luck is simply trying to get through to me that I really can't do it alone. I admit that usually I try to act more like Super Girl than a mere mortal but really is all this punishment really necessary.

Normally, I am reminded I am mortal when I get sick and really wish there were someone around to take care of me. . .I really don't need a string a bad luck to reinforce the point. But just in case. . .Point Taken. . .I solemnly swear I will make a re-newed effort to let other people into my life and to try to accept help more readily.

2006-09-16T00:05:00.000-04:00

The DANGER of Being Single Too Long

So lately all of my single guy friends are dating and or looking for younger women. And suddenly I realized that for many years I was the younger woman since I used to date older men. Now I am that almost 30 women that the type of men I am friends with now and the type of men I used to date are dating the younger women.

Even my most reasonable guy friends are dating these younger women because they "aren't jaded" or skeptical. Reflecting on these phrases makes me realize that one of the larger dangers of being single as long as I and many of my female friends have is that your bound to have been disappointed enough times that you are a little "jaded" and "skeptical." It becomes harder and harder to turn off that inner voice that says "Is this guy for real?"

Since arriving in Vegas I have been on dates with two different guys and both went pretty well. But I couldn't turn off that skeptical voice that kept saying "What is wrong with this one?" or "When will the other shoe fall?" I confess I am skeptical and jaded but I also argue that I am worth it. If someone gets past the first wall I still let go. Sometimes I just need them to show me that they really want to be there and they are willing to take a chance.

2006-09-07T00:57:00.000-04:00

Somethings are Over-Rated

So here I am now an official resident of the legendary LAS VEGAS. . .a huge, exciting city and I have never been so over worked and unfun in my life. I know some of this initial rush of my new career is destined to eventually settle down and become more routine but somehow it is even more frustrating to be in this city with so much to do and have no time to do any of it.

I had forgotten how hard it is to be the clueless new kid. Yes, it is exciting to start fresh but it is also scary, frustrating, tiring and just plain lonely at times. I miss sleepy little Tallahassee and all its green charm. I miss my friends. I miss being a short car trip from Mom and Dad.

It was much better to be a BIG fish in a little pond than now being a tiny fish in a HUGE pond.

2006-07-25T13:01:00.000-04:00

Tired of Calling My Mommy

Ok, so I admit it I am a Mommy's girl but then again so are my two sisters. My Dad don't get me wrong is great but is generally sort of quiet and seems to just want to stay out of the way. So, here I am in the post huge project blah's with a summer cold and a billion things to do.

So, instead of working on packing, prepping for my new job, making a list of the things I need to do pre-graduation celebration I called my Mom since I wasn't feeling well and went to bed early. Mom as always was a huge comfort . . .But as with all life' little hickups it would have been nice to have someone who was just there for me. So as much as I complain about everyone all the sudden pushing on me to find someone. OK not just "someone." I want to find the right someone.

Until then I guess I will just have to keep calling my Mom on the happy and tough days to have someone to share them with.

2006-07-18T14:31:00.000-04:00

I'm Everyone's Favorite Project

So now that both of my sisters have gotten married and are now either mommy or mommy to be, all the attention seems to be on me. I have in the last several years gotten off pretty easy with my Mom protecting me from my relatives prying question, "So when are you going to get married?" Granted, her protection of me was all brought on by the seemingly endless onslaught of "So when are you going to get married?" questions at my sisters wedding. At one of the two events I actually counted and was asked 87 times. . .Really. But apparently now that I am finally finishing up school the gloves are off.

In the past couple of weeks I have had a new round of intrusions from family members including an unexpected intrusion by one of my sisters. Who not so politely explained to me. . ."Well no one is perfect J. . .you aren't perfect. So what if "insert guy's name here" wasn't perfect. You can't be single for ever." Really? Is there a law against it? I am not saying that is what I want but I also don't want to marry the first person who wants to marry me. If I did I am sure I could find some nice illegal immigrant to marry.

My "cool" grandmother also out of the blue sent me an email asking if she could give me email address to some random guy who came into her work who mentioned he would be moving to Las Vegas in December. Then when I saw her during my visit to see "Peanut", she spent the whole time giving me the hard sell on this guy! Really I don't have a hard time getting a date. . .I am just picky about who I let stick around.

Oh well . . . I guess my day of reckoning with my family's obsession with getting me happily married off has been coming for a while at least I was able to put it off while I got my degree.

2006-07-11T09:53:00.000-04:00

OK, so I have been a bad blogger. . .

I know the whole point of a blog is to write on it and keep it up. . .and I have not done that lately. I swear if you knew what all I have been doing lately to try to ensure my move to Vegas was smooth and successful you would understand and forgive me. Also so many great and monumental things have happened to me out in the real world it is amazing I have even managed to focus on my move and graduation.

OK. . .life developments. . .

1) I am now an aunt of an 8lb 10 oz. bouncing baby boy affectionately nicknamed "Peanut." I know a cruel thing to do to a kid but I swear that: 1) I didn't start it, 2) it was started innocently enough when "Peanut" was still peanut sized and now it has stuck 3) As his aunt I will try not to call him by his embarrassing nickname in front of his friends . . .when he is old enough to actually have friends. However, until then Peanut will probably mostly remain Peanut to me. . .Especially since his Mommy and Daddy picked a name that specifically could not be shortened and his real name doesn't exactly trip off the tongue and seems a bit big for such a little guy.

(This also somewhat explains the reason the blog has been soooooo . . . quiet. Being a new aunt and my oohhhh so cute nephew necessitated two trips to Orlando in the last month and a few shortly before he came to see my cute round little sister and help her prepare her nursery for Peanut's big arrival.)

2) My other sister (no the same sister isn't pulling a Britney Spears) is going to make me an aunt again in February. First they got married within six months of each other, despite being 6 years apart in age, and now they are having babies within 7 months of each other. Really, they need to be more considerate in planning their life events. . .I know these are great joyous occasions and all but come on give a girl's budget time to recover from one round of present buying before you start the next round. My younger sister in revenge for the aforementioned nickname has already nicknamed Peanut's new cousin "Bean." My guess is that both cousins will eventually need therapy once the are actually old enough to know what angst is and for that (and a myriad of other reasons which may appear in a later blog) I am happy to be their Auntie and not their Mommy.

3) After years. . . .Yes, I really mean years of college (10+ to be exact). I am officially graduating for the last time with my PhD. Yikes! Like I wasn't scary enough to men as a normal single girl now I have to tote around the title. So now I am a little torn do I go by Dr. Singleton or just continue to hide my super identity as a blogger? I think so that my students don't have too much fun at my expense I will just continue to go by "J" or Dr. "insert real last name here." Yes, I will now be responsible for warping the minds of numerous graduate students for years to come. . .

Well, the countdown to Vegas Begins! The graduation announcements will soon be sent. I guess this will be the biggest experiment yet for me. . .Move smallish town East Coast girl to big Southwestern city and see what happens.

2006-05-14T23:09:00.000-04:00

The Funny Thing About Relationships

The thing I find oddest about relationships is all the things we don't say about them. Often we look at the relationship of our friends, family, and loved ones and know from the outside if they are good, bad, disfunctional, limping along, or a disaster waiting to happen. From the outside we often see the things that are wrong that the people in them are too close to see.

We have all been to weddings we knew were a bad idea. Yet we never say anything. We suspect . . .We talk. . .We worry . . .But we don't speak. We see the cracks but fear alienating those we love. BUT WHY?? Wouldn't we be better friends/relatives ect. If we spoke up about our concerns in the hope they might help. No because we don't want to meddle.

So what do we do. . .We hope they know/see something we don't. I guess I am right now hoping for the best in several situations. I guess all I can do is hope I am wrong.

2006-05-09T12:17:00.000-04:00

Preparing for Las Vegas

So I took the job in Las Vegas and now I am overwhelmed with the idea of moving all the way across the county. Somehow the task just seems huge. I know for a 29 year old I really don't have that much stuff . . . Most of my worldly possessions fit in my closet. I am beginning to sift through my belongings, round up boxes and prepare mentally for that long journey west.

I know some of the this trepidation comes from fear of change and the idea of starting in a new place with no friends and no idea how to get anywhere. The last time I did that was when I moved to Tallahassee to start graduate school. I have become so comfortable here and in many ways this is really the closest thing to home I have felt since I left my parents home almost 10 years ago. I will miss school. I will miss my friends. I will miss all the odd things that make Tallahassee oddly entertaining. All the while I am looking forward to a fresh start and a new place.

I also think these big life changes are a little harder on us single people. (Yes, I know the decisions with two people are harder as are setting the priorities). I have no one to hold my hand and tell me everything will be O. K. I have no one who will be there when I get home to keep me company and make me smile before I make new friends. I have no one to calm me down from the sticker shock of house hunting and make me feel as though it is ok to spend this much money on a condo.

All this makes me wish more than ever that I had found that somebody a long time ago . . . And that they were here to help me through the hard times. I have to believe for my own sanity that I haven't passed him up yet and that he will have been worth all the wait.

2006-04-25T13:56:00.000-04:00

The Bravest Thing I've Ever Done is To Run Away and Hide . . .

As my readers know a break-up/meltdown was coming for quite sometime here. . . I finally did it. The emotional display was embarrassing and I have never had anyone before offer to "change" just to keep me around but I did it. Nor since high school have I had a boyfriend cry in front of me openly after being dumped. Now I know how guys feel . . . Mostly I chalked this display up to genuine loneliness on his part. I felt bad but I knew it was the right decision for me. . .And sometime looking out for yourself it the only thing you can do.

I do have to admit I miss all the attention. . . And the dogs but in general I feel as though a weight has been lifted.

2006-04-07T13:35:00.000-04:00

Vegas on My Own Terms

So I have just returned from Las Vegas . . .not to worry gentle reader I did not marry "E." I went for a job interview.

I was struck by what an odd place Vegas really is . . .it is both magnificent and horrible in one neon lit moment. There is the grace and elegance of the really high priced and classy casinos, like the Bellagio and the Venetian, and restaurants of any and all types.

The Casinos - These high temples to wealth and capitalism are both the best and the worst of our culture. The best in that they represent a blending of cultures much like our own country and draw on art and beauty to weave a spell on you. The worst in that they are buildings only greed and excessive money could have built. The lobbies of the buildings transport you to places that only exist in Vegas and are just as over the top as a Disney theme park without the cartoonish and surreal alternative to reality. These places are real. They hold real art and gardens of floral arrangements. The use both technology and wealth to dazzle and impress. Everyone is welcome to come and see these wonders and the rich mix with the poor. The spectacle is democratic.

There is also the seedy and sad fact that everywhere and I do mean everywhere from convenient stores to the airport there are gambling machines. You see people who are wrung out from having blown their life savings on gambling which usually is fueled by alcoholism. Gambling and other addictions are apparent and are in plain sight. In almost any other city such things are hidden in back alleys or under more convincing facades.

The contrasts of the city are striking and make you both like and hate the place in an instant.

2006-03-23T10:09:00.000-05:00

Why you shouldn't take City Girls fishing or bowling

Ok, so I finally have to admit it. I am a city girl. I keep trying to tell myself I am not but I am. I do love the outdoors. But mostly I love the outdoors as a contrast to the rest of my life which is filled with computers, books, TVs, and fluorescent lighting. My general problem as a "city girl" or at least a "suburb girl" is that I generally lack the knowledge (despite being a Girl Scout for many of my formative years) to deal with some of the particular problems of outdoor settings. . .at least to preplan dealing with them without warning.

This last summer I had a disastrous date when invited to go fishing. I was initially excited to go. I love to be outdoors and spending time on the water and learning to do new things so it seemed like a great idea. But as my friend "H" recently declared I am too pretty for camping. I am not too pretty for camping but I am too pretty for hanging my half naked body off the side of a boat to go pee. Some things are just not things I need to experience to know I won't like them and this is one of those things.

I mistakenly had worn a one piece bathing suit thinking this was an athletic activity and therefore a bikini was inappropriate turns out a one piece even less appropriate since it would then involve getting all naked or wetting my pants in order to go to the bathroom. After seeing bait fish after bait fish pulled out of the water bit in half by a shark I also was clearly not jumping into the water to relieve my strained bladder . . .so I ended up being taken back to the dock to go. This was not a popular idea with said date/boat driver but he gave in after seeing the pain on my face. We never went out again. . .I can't say I am upset.

The bowling thing while less objectionable is still a serious problem for me . . .I hate it. The rented shoes with someone else's foot sweat, the rolling of large objects down a wooden lane where the result seems almost more dependent on brute force than skill, and being surrounded by red-necks who this is their idea of a "big" night out. I was dragged bowling last night. . .it was painful and not any fun despite plenty of beer. I came home feeling ridiculed for performing bad, soar from hurling a heavy object, head aching from all the cigarette smoke I inhaled and all the poorly constructed sentence I heard uttered, and annoyed that I should be expected to participate. . .Bowling=BAD DATE.

2006-03-13T11:23:00.000-05:00

And Now for Something Different. .

I am back at my old job and let's face it a little lacking things to do. . .so I will be blogging a lot more. Today I chose to take a break from discussing my relationship and instead decided to do somethng fun. . .take a test to see which sec in the city girl I was most like. . .I always fancied myself a cross between Carrie and Miranda with a touch of Charlotte but apparently I am most like Carrie. . .Results and link to the test below.

You Are Most Like Carrie!
You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date.But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal?It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky.Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a great closet of clothes, no matter what!Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year...Totally different from any guy you've dated.

http://ynr.blogthings.com/whichsexandthecityvixenareyouquiz/

2006-03-12T20:23:00.000-05:00

Vegas?!!

So I admit it I am more than a little freaked out . . ."E", aka my boyfriend, has for the last week or so been joking that he should just whisk me off to Vegas to elope. NOT FUNNY. I know I have commitment issues but come on now. The idea of marrying someone I have only known for a couple of months . . .Is enough to make me run for the hills and not look back.

Especially since said boyfriend recently gave me a picture frame for my birthday. . .Thanks for the present you usually give your grandmother or mother. . .Very romantic. Yes, I know he was trying and I know that his original plans for my birthday fell through. . .Since he found out it was something I didn't want and wouldn't enjoy. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't try so hard . . .I wish he would just relax and quit trying so hard to make me happy. . .I know this sounds silly. I should be thrilled to have a boyfriend who only wants to make me happy but is it really OK that making me happy requires a "special" effort. I don't want to date someone who is always walking on egg shells trying to keep me happy.

I guess this is why I have always tended toward the alpha males. . .They do what they want and don't give a damn if it makes you happy or not.

2006-03-02T14:03:00.000-05:00

On Boyfriends. . .

So, I have spent most of my adult life either with a boyfriend or in pursuit of one. . .I am wondering if it is the getting or the having that is more fun. They both have advantages and drawbacks.

Advantages of Getting Stage: rush of uncertainty, excitement, the excitement over the new and the possible, the excitement of a good first date, the nice complements paid to you during the wooing, and the attention

Disadvantages of Getting Stage: uncertainty, self-doubt, the amount of time required to weed out the duds from the OK from the really good, scary and painfully bad first dates, extra time required to be extra cute all the time, lack of sleep since I tend to start my days early and most other people don't, fear of rejection

Advantages of the Having Stage: someone to come home to, someone to call, someone to celebrate your birthday with, quiet moments when you don't have to talk, not having to worry about being adorable all the time, someone to go places with, someone to tell bad jokes to, and someone to kiss good night, someone to take care of you when you need it

Disadvantages of the Having Stage: you never go out anymore, no reason to get dressed up, no surprises, everything becomes a routine, you have to worry about someone else's feelings, when they are sick you have to take care of them and pretend you don't mind, you have to tell them it will be ok . . .Even if you don't believe it, you have to listen to their opinion about your life

There are additional disadvantages. . .But I don't want to make the list too long lest I never enter into a relationship again. Besides some of these things seem smaller at times . . .Perhaps I am just not in relationship mode right now. . .Which is problematic since I am "in" a relationship. Which most of the time is OK. . .Not great not wonderful but not intolerable. . .I feel like I do when I know I really want something to eat and I don't quite know what and end up eating a little bit of everything in the house and still know I haven't found what I want even though I don't know what that is.

2006-02-25T14:56:00.000-05:00

How should I take this?

So I think it might be a bad sign when I have become such an expert on being single that I am gain asked to review books on the subject. While the book looks interesting it perhaps doesn't bode well for my growth as a person and recent couplehood that I am a little horrified that 1) I am apparently an expert on the subject of being unmarried 2) I am appalled at the idea that I need or that any single person needs to read a book on how to fix ourselves and become unsingle. Is there really something wrong with refusing to "settle" or have we simply just not met the person worth settling for?

Upon first look the book seems to suggest there is something wrong with "not settling" which also suggests that there is something wrong with being single. I personally don't really mind being single most of the time . . .It gives me freedom to enjoy the things I want to do and do them when I want to. I do when uncoupled miss many of the quieter moments of being with someone. . .the way they smell, kissing, having someone to tell your great and not so great moments to, and having someone to take care of you when you need it. HOWEVER, I reject the idea that there is something wrong with those of us who have chosen/or just so have not had the opportunity to get married.

Perhaps I am pickier but. . .this is supposed to be a life long decision and I thoroughly believe that one really should be sure before you take that last leap into marriage. Otherwise you end up divorced. . .just like more than half of all the people who get married today. . .perhaps they would have been better off if they had looked before they leapt.

2006-02-20T11:29:00.000-05:00

Confessions of a Drama Junkie

So it has been a couple of weeks since I last blogged. . .Now without offering excuses I have been really busy collecting new stuff to blog about. So think of the last few weeks as research. In the last few weeks my nomadic romantic life has become somewhat more sedentary. . .with a new boyfriend in tow I have made the rounds to many social events as one half of a couple.

It is odd all of the sudden being launched back into couplehood and part of me craves the more recent unsettled past or perhaps I just miss the drama and the thrill of the hunt?

The new boy, "E", is great don't get me wrong. . .He does everything he is supposed to do and tries really hard. For example, despite initial reservations about my running at ungodly hours of the morning. Now voluntarily and without complaint joins me and my running crew at 6 am for 3 miles a couple of times a week. When asked why someone so opposed to morning would drag his asthmatic body out of bed. . .He says oh I just wanted to spend more time with you. What I don't understand is why I am not knocked off my feet.

My main complaint at this point is that there is just no pulse pumping excitement either good or bad. He is just so darned stable. . .and he just lets me win all the time. For example, the other night I was commenting that I thought I had been spending just a little too much time at his place and that the main problem with doing so is that there was no where for me to work. He instead of taking this personally rationally asks what I needed to work at his place and by the time I came over the next time the things I needed had just appeared. He just accepted the problem was his and fixed it and also said that if I wanted to go home then I was welcome to but that I was also welcome to come and go as I pleased. It was like unconditional surrender without the battle. Does anyone really want to win all the time? It just makes me feel as though I am playing the bully but the kind that is so big that they merely intimidate the smaller kids into compliance by their size.

2006-01-26T13:29:00.000-05:00

New Link to a Friends Blog

I just wanted to take a second and point out a new link on my site to the "About a Girl" Blog. It is a friend's blog and I really enjoy reading it. It usually makes me feel like I am not alone in my cynical feeling about this whole dating/men thing and sometimes it is just funny. (It also doesn't hurt that my friend every once in a while mentions me although not by name so you will have to guess when she is talking about me or when she is talking about someone else's tragic life or dating career.)

If you need a chuckle. . .I recommend checking it out.

2006-01-22T09:57:00.000-05:00

Sage Advice from Mother Theresa

I have found this poem very instructive as of late. I guess it is also a sign that I am waking from my sadness since this quote from a great woman and some say saint is essentially an expression of hope about the power of an individual to govern themselves responsibly in the face of a world full of unfair and unkind moments.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see in the final analysis. It is between you and God;

It was never between you and them anyway.
~Mother Theresa.

2006-01-20T11:30:00.000-05:00

I Keep Trying to Tell Myself it is all a Matter of Attitude

So this week despite being feverishly busy trying to catch up on the mountain of work which greeted me after a week of personal distractions, trials and tribulations, I am still very sad. I guess I should be more patient with myself and allow myself time to get over the last couple of weeks but somehow being patient with my own emotions just isn't the mood I am in. I want to get over it now! I want to quit feeling like I am carrying a weight around with me which constantly slows me down and reminds me of its presence.

I just need a really good distraction. Unfortunately, the work as of late despite being exceptionally times consuming is not exactly thought consuming so it leads to a lot of thinking about the situation I find myself in. 1) Despite getting ready to graduate with my PhD I have no really promising job prospects (or at least none I find promising). So basically I am in a career cul de sac. 2) I am 28 years old, single and feeling more alone than I ever have before. I think this is mostly the product of the last couple of weeks and the realization that it is times like these I actually do NEED someone. This is a new theory for me I have always wanted to have someone around but the feeling that I need another half is all new. 3)My life in general is not going so swimmingly lately and perhaps it is time for some sort of radical change. The problem here is I am not sure what sort of radical change would shift the circumstances I find myself in.

I think these feelings have been coming for a while. . .and now I just have to figure out what the next step is for me. Maybe this is the push I have been needing to take more risks both personally and professionally.

2006-01-15T23:31:00.000-05:00

Recovery, Confusion, and Self-Doubt

So I think even if I don't want to admit it I am starting to feel better. I caught myself laughing and smiling a few times today. It if funny a younger version of me would have allowed myself to wallow for weeks based upon the events of the last couple of weeks. I guess one of the advantages of the hard things I have already been through in my life is that I have learned the hard way that I am tough enough to get through almost anything. Even the horror that has been the past couple of weeks.

It also doesn't hurt to have great friends. My friend D. without need of an explanation understood last night when I just needed to get out of the house and accompanied me to a movie and then a bar. She then allowed me to be my sad and pitiful self for a few hours while drinking enough to kill a few of the brain cells which I felt needed to be disposed of last night. (No, I don't generally deal with problems this way. . .But sometimes you just need a little alcohol to help you let go of all the stuff that eating at you.) Someday I will have to blog about my Darwinian theory of brain cells and alcohol but that will have to wait until I am feeling more cheerful.

Other friends have called to check on me and allowed me to vent, talk about other things, cry, and whatever else I needed. Thanks everyone.

The one phone call that I did take which I really shouldn't have was from said boy that previously ruined the end of my week. Why is he still calling me? He is the one that said he didn't want to see me anymore. So I answer the phone after he called me twice without leaving a message mainly because the curiosity finally got to me. Well curiosity did kill the cat and I am not so sure it is doing me any good either. He just wanted to chat like nothing had ever happened. . .I don't get it. So I just politely got off the phone because I don't need to by anymore confused.

The one thing about all of this I can't quite get over is the thought that there must be something wrong with me. . .Why do I scare the men I actually like away or simply refuse to take the risk if they seem unable to express their interest first? Am I really that screwed up and don't know it? Why don't I fight for myself more? Why am I so afraid to fail?

2006-01-14T10:21:00.000-05:00

I Must Have been a VERY BAD GIRL IN A PAST LIFE

Ok, I admit it I am sinking. . .life is finally beating me down and there seems very little at this point that could get me to even smile again. I don’t know what I have done to deserve the past couple of weeks but whatever it was all I can say is if there is a higher power in the universe is “I AM SORRY PLEASE STOP!”

The only thing that had me holding steady over the last week to the end of my quickly fraying rope were the guy I met/had a first date with on New Year’s Eve and the job interview that as we speak I am flying home from. Those two things too how have seemingly crumbled into false hope and disappointment. And I a person who until the last couple of weeks could honestly not remember the last time I cried I sitting on an airplane openly weeping without the ability or even the care to stop. I just simply can’t.

We will start with the job interview which on its face looked like a good idea going in. . . However upon my arrival and subsequent stay just seemed to be one detour leading to a dead end. I am not saying that no one could be happy in this place. Just that it isn’t the job for me and to me it looks more like a trap than an opportunity.

Now onto the guy who last week I raved about how wonderful and supportive he had been through the ordeal of the my grandmother’s death. He called me this evening on my way home from this week from hell to tell me he still has feelings for his ex and doesn’t feel right pursuing a relationship with me as long as he feels this way. Thanks now my destruction is complete and I needn’t worry about looking forward to anything or even having a happy thought for a while. I think I won’t get out of bed tomorrow. I feel like I just got sucker punched.

So perhaps like Earl Hickey on My Name is Earl I am being punished for some former misdeeds. Only I think in general I haven’t been all that bad a person so I am left to conclude I must have been like a Nazi or serial killer in a previous life to have earned the last couple of weeks. I may need to take up serious drinking habit or yoga if this continues and right now the drinking problem seems more likely and helpful but I am sure this too shall pass. . .

2006-01-08T02:01:00.000-05:00

Why Can't I Let Someone Help ME?

So I have realized this week I need help every once in a while. Despite my declarations of independence earlier this week. . .I needed someone this week. I needed someone to take care of me. It has undoubtedly been a disasterous couple of weeks for me. I have in the last 3 weeks had a string of disasters both minor and major: my grandmother passed away, my friend's stepfather passed away, my wallet was stolen, and I didn't get the job I wanted and unfortunately had gotten my heart set on. I feel beaten and tired.

My only saving grace has come in the form of a guy who has stepped up to take care of me despite only having known me for a week. I can't express how thankful I am for him or even understand why anyone would go to such great lengths for someone they don't really even know. He not only has taken care of me in ways I can't express he has done so gracefully and cheerfully. He has let me cry and given me space to talk and be myself away from the weight of my problems.

I have also been taken aback by my own resistance to being taken care of. I guess I just don't want to admit that I need help. Or that I can't do it on my own. What I don't know is why that admission is so scary. Perhaps this is the point I have needed to get to in order to get myself to let go and really let someone in. . .Why must personal growth be so painful? Or perhaps I am afraid that letting someone see that weekness will only make me that much more vulnerable.

2006-01-03T15:44:00.000-05:00

"Anything Less than Extraordinary is a Waste of My Time"

So I have finally simplified my dating life after months of chaos. . .I am again matchless. No, they didn't all just give up. . .I did. I just really realized that there was no point in continuing to see anybody when nobody seemed to really be the sort of person I wanted to spend a lot of time with. Some of them are very nice guys and are really great for some reasons but I just can't see wasting any more of my time on anyone who I am less than enthusiastic about. So I am going cold turkey on men until I meet some one who makes me wake up in the morning excited to see/talk/think about them.

I guess it all boils down to the above line from my favorite bad movie "Dream for an Insomniac" where the main character often says that "Anything less than extraordinary is a waste of my time." The more thought I give to this statement the truer it seems to be. In our busy world why run waste your precious few free moments on something or someone that doesn't make you happy? I know perhaps this is a bit extreme. . .but for now at least it is how I feel. I am not saying I won't still be open to the possibility of new relationships or new love . . .but for now I am sitting this one out and doing my own thing for a while.

2005-12-22T14:19:00.000-05:00

Losing my Identity

So, I was the victim of a crime this week. I stupidly left my backpack unattended when I went to the ladies room and came back to find my wallet gone. Luckily for me I hadn't brought my most valued possession, my laptop, to school with me that day. Unluckily for me it is merely days away from Christmas and the Grinch who stole my Christmas was really quick at making a mess of my life. By the time I managed to call the police to file a report and call all two credit card companies I have accounts with and navigate their endless automated telephone systems the thief had managed to rack up over a thousand dollars worth of bills. While I am eternally grateful for fraud protections of my credit card companies and bank, I am eternally miffed and the many stores where purchases were made and it is clear that they either failed to check ID or failed to check it very closely. I never thought I would see the day when my credit card company was the good guy . . .so often over the last few years have I preached against their business tactics and the slimy ways they recruit unwitting customers to spend more than they have.

So here I am a few days before Christmas returning gifts in order to make sure I have enough cash to cover the checks I have written for bills and my expenses to travel home since one of the most damaged cards was my check card which is directly tied to my checking account. I am really much more upset than I let on to the wider world since I not only feel poor but also violated in an odd way. I just feels so unfair that my modest spending habits and trusting ways are financing someone elses Christmas while my own family's presents will be late and probably less spectacular than usual. It also just feels odd to know that someone out there is wondering around claiming to be me attempting to use my credit cards and possibly even my personal information . . . It is also troubling that for the first time in months I was brought to tears while returning items I bought for my younger sister and her husband. There is nothing more undignified than crying in the Gap.

2005-12-17T22:16:00.000-05:00

The Crush that Just Won't Die

I know it is bad . . .I who admittedly dated more lately than many of my friends do in a year . . .can't shake a crush. I still have yet to "go out" with said crush on an actual date but can't help compare all of the other people I have been out with lately to my crush. How can I be so obsessed with someone I have never and may never kiss? Is this really all in my head or is there a reason I just can't shake thoughts of this person?

Well. . .perhaps soon I will have to put up or shut up. I admit the possibilty that this will happen is low since I like every other member of my family am extremely stubborn. It is likely I will go on indefinitely being nonchalant about my interactions with my crush knowing all the while I will NEVER KNOW what could happen unless I take the risk. I think the risk is made all that much more scary because I really do care for this person and feel they are my friend. I don't want to loose them.

Or perhaps after long months of idealizing this person I will realize that perhaps it is just a case of wanting what we can't have. I am prone all too often to this behavior. For example, despite being really well educated and career minded I often think life would be simpler/better/easier/happier if I were just a housewife with a couple of kids. I usually later realize that if that is the path I wanted I have long since detoured off of it and I probably only want it because the door to it seems closed. I know I really hate CLOSED DOORS! I hate the feeling that there are just somethings that I can't have or have missed out on. I guess though I will never know if I could be happier in some simpler and more traditional life role. . .perhaps I will never know about the crush as well or perhaps I will do something rash! The one thing that is predicatable about me. . .is that even I never know what I will do next.

2005-12-17T02:54:00.000-05:00

In Praise of Ex-Boyfriends

So as the song about the big yellow taxi goes "You don't know what you got till its gone . . . They paved paradise and put up a parking lot." I know it might sound weird but the last year of constant dating and the random cast of "odd" fellows I have met has made me appreciate my ex-boyfriends. I fully admit that at the time of the breakups with said various exes it is likely I would have declared them completely without merit and likely made fun of their frailties.

However, as time has passed and my experience with dating a wider range of people has grown. . .I realized I didn't really have it all that bad. While yes it is best that I eventually parted ways with them and no none of them was "the guy", they really on the whole compared to what is "out there" were actually in many ways exceptional. They were often smart, funny, accomplished, and caring and in general really good people. Even now I know if I really needed something it is likely that I could call them up and within reason they would help me out if they could.

I also feel with each boyfriend I get a little closer to knowing what I really want and each boyfriend tends to conform to that ideal a little better. While the space between the boyfriends also seems to be getting greater. . .I also think that this is mostly because I am less willing to go backward and to settle for relationships that are more flawed than those I have already had. So for Christmas this year. . .I guess I am giving myself a little hope . . .if I am lucky and the progress tends to continue then someday, somehow I will meet the guy for me and cure this chronic condition.

2005-12-07T15:24:00.000-05:00

Insomnia and Other Joys of Stress

So, I have guess some of you have noticed I have not been keeping up my blog lately. . .it is because my life has become so unbelievably stressful and crazy that even I can't keep track of it. Somehow despite being in the middle of a job search, I have managed to commit myself to hanging out with/dating not one, but two guys. I have clearly lost touch with reality.

That and I am really not sticking with this Theory X and Y thing. I am fully ignoring the things about both of these guys which annoy me. . .the first one annoys me because he is clingy and needy. . . and the second one annoys me. . .well I don't know why but he just does. I think he sorta of reminds me of someone else who annoys me and he seems to want to show off a lot. Neither one of them feels like a match and I know I should really just move on. . .I am not worried about telling one of them this but I began to broach the "let's be friends" subject last night with Mr. Clingy and well lets just say it didn't go well and it was late and I really just wanted to go home. He actually freaked out and said "SO WE are OK right?" What we? When did I become a we with HIM? There is no we but, I just didn't go there. . .but I think it needs to happen soon.

Then despite barely holding my eyes open all evening. . .I couldn't sleep. I don't know if this is guilt, built up stress, or something else. I just know it didn't make me a very happy or productive citizen today. I hope sleep comes soon. . .I have two big interviews and no idea how I will survive the week already and without sleep it will be impossible.

2005-11-28T14:30:00.000-05:00

TYPOS be Damned!

One of the editors in my office who is always chasing me around for having the wrong type of dash had this hanging on her wall today. . .

"Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. "

I couldn't believe it! All this time I have worried about typos and all I needed to do was get the first and the last letter right. . .granted only getting the first and last letter right would probably eventually lead others to conclude you have a chronic learning disability but I am not so sure I can't live with that. Perhaps I will try this in limited amounts at first and branch out. . .until I like the writer of the above paragraph write completely understandable gibberish all the time.

2005-11-27T20:25:00.000-05:00

The Folly of Rewarding X While Hoping for Y

There is an economic theory that basically says we often don't get what we want from people because we reward X behavior when what we really want is Y. For example say you want high quality widgets. . .But what you pay your worker for is simply the number of widgets not the quality. So you basically get lots of poorly made widgets.

I have been giving this theory a great deal of thought lately. . .And have decided that perhaps this is what I have been doing in my dating life. I want a relationship with a stable rational individual (lets call this Y) but I have often settled for and rewarded something less (e.g. a relationship with someone who is more focused on achieving a high score on play station than on dating me). At the time I have fed myself all sorts of lines about well. . .Yes, but they are really smart and I have hobbies too, but eventually I come to realize my hopes of Y with this person were really unwise. So unlike so many other people. . .Who are dishonest about their own shortcomings (yes I do know I have shortcomings but that is a topic for a different blog). . .I have been dishonest with myself about the shortcomings of my potential partners and have largely only ended up with X (what I didn't want). So, I am trying an experiment . . .Being brutally honest and critical (quietly and to myself of course, there is no need to be cruel) of those I go out with. I suspect that at least being severely honest about the other person might be slightly more productive than the oblivious approach . . .Or perhaps I am still over reacting to my last foolishly undertaken relationship. . .time will tell.

2005-11-27T20:00:00.000-05:00

Why do they call them "Happy" Holidays?

So when did the holidays become torture the single people days? Even the movie Bridget Jones Diary has noted the traditional flogging that "singletons" must endure during the holiday season. Like it isn't bad enough to be alone at "special" times a year when the whole world is coupled up. . .why do my relatives insist upon rubbing it in and asking questions there are clearly no good answers to. Yes, I have read the advice on how to deal with these situations . . .but family politics only allow for so much lattitude.

My grandmother (who admittedly is senile) spent the entire weekend asking me the dreaded question "SO when are you going to get married?" Like I all that getting married involves is me picking some mysterious date. Let's ignore the fact that I haven't met anyone who I want to spend the rest of my life with or if I have I don't know it. Let's also ignore the fact that my Grandmother has been divorced twice, once from a man who drinks too much and was abusive to her. Let's also ignore the fact that over half of the marriages in this country end in divorce and perhaps if everyone was a little bit more thoughtful about this decision then we might be able to improve that number a little. In other words lets just ignore the reality of the situation all together. I am getting married June 2007. . .why not?

I am always up for ridiculous conversations with no definitive answer so I always answer the same way. . ."I am not going to get married. I am going to stay young and single and buy a BMW." Ok, so it is slightly unrealistic but it usually reminds people how silly the whole exchange is. . .but not my Grandmother, who has denial abilities up there with Vice President Cheney and President George W. Bush, soldiers on undetered by my flip response. She lectures me that I need to get serious about finding someone. . .AGGGGHHHH!!! After all I am not getting any younger.

I then went into the kitchen like any sane rational person and consoled myself with a piece of pumkin pie and the idea that someday I could afford to fly my parents out to visit me and then I wouldn't have to be subjected to my grandmother. At least years of this abuse have made me thick skinned enough to not allow her to not make me cry anymore.

2005-11-22T15:30:00.000-05:00

Flirting with Disaster

Why is it that flirting feels so good? My mother says I am a world class flirt and often insinuates that I flirt to get my way. She loves to take me to businesses run by and/or staffed by men swearing she gets better service than if it just her and Dad. I swear I don't flirt to get my way or anything else for that matter.

I also swear I don't flirt with anyone who I wouldn't want the attention from. This leaves me with some serious questions about some of the male behavior I observe on a daily basis.

Unless, I don't even know I am doing it. Maybe I am sleep flirting?

Perhaps that would explain my socially weird co-worker's behavior around me which could be seen as some super odd form of flirting. Unfortunately for my co-worker (who my boss says has a "thing" for me) it just makes me want to run and hide out when he attempts to even speak to me. What I don't understand is why he doesn't take a clue. . .If someone avoids you for weeks they don't like you. I wish I could find the summon the crueler parts of my personality in order to just get these painful exchanges over with for good.

He isn't the only flirting disaster I know and regularly come into contact with. The other two are so horrific that just thinking about them makes my skin crawl even though I have only been subject to the attention of one of the two. This duo inhabits the same graduate program as I do and are collectively referred to by the women in the department as "creepy" insert guys name here.

The first need serious instruction in personal grooming and socially acceptable drinking behavior and resembles the GEICO Caveman. He recently invited one of my friends back to his "dorm room" to drink some beers. What woman could pass that up?

The second is roughly the same age as my father, bald, a know-it-all and insists on picking the tab for my drinks at happy hours. He is always invading my personal space and telling me how beautiful I am. ICKY!

I swear with god as my witness, I have done nothing to encourage any of them! It is my new quest to figure out how to anti-flirt with these people. Until then I must curb my natural southern raised charm and find new and interesting ways to hide out. . .I am thinking about asking some of my special forces friends for pointers on this but I don't think camo works very good in academic departments unless they make it to blend with bookshelves or file cabinets.

2005-11-22T14:33:00.000-05:00

Self Inflicted Damage is the Worst Kind

I unlike many people fully understand my role in the disasters that befall me or at least better than those people who regularly appear on daytime talk shows such as Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer. If anything I wish I could obliviously ignore the fact that my own worst enemy at the end of the day is me. Perhaps my major failing is that I don't see the train wreck coming until I am already in the middle of it or perhaps it is the fact that I still try to give people the benefit of the doubt even though I clearly often know better than to do so. I also tend to be prone to crushes. Crushes are in many ways the most dangerous of all love adventures because you the crusher already have your mind made up about the crushee before you even go out on the first date. I suffered most of the summer with two crushes one I pursued and one I have to date mostly left alone.

The pursued crush is the reason I believe I am my own worst enemy and the reason my blog has been relatively quiet since I started it in September is that I sorta kinda fell for someone against my own best advice. The whole thing developed as a crush which I attempted to resist telling myself that it would pass and I should focus on the other parts of my life right now like my career. I afterall am about to graduate for the last time and take my first real grown up job and more than likely move across the country. This is a decidedly bad time to start a relationship or complicate my life, but perhaps I craved complexity and drama something my single life on the average day tends to be missing.

On the surface the guy was perfect but something just didn't quite add up. I knew in my gut that he was a bad idea but just couldn't quite put my finger on why he was a bad idea. Something in my gut told me there was something wrong and that there just had to be something to the reason I was holding back.

I thought maybe I was just being cynical and picky so I talked myself into ignoring the obvious flaws. For his part he was doing one hell of a sales job, but in dating as with almost all other transactions the harder someone is trying to sell you something the more certain you can be that there is something wrong with it. I know this was a bad idea. Afterall if you can't take your own best advice then who will you listen too? My mother? No. My friends? No. What is even worse in this case even they were duped. My cynical and hard to please friends instead of being the voice of reason in this debate helped to usher me to my latest fall.

And fall I did. I got so caught up in who he presented himself to be that I didn't stop to think that the image that many people project hides the things that are the most wrong with them. Then the fatal flaw became so unbelievably obvious it might as well been written in big flashing letters across the sky by Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz. So I had to go through the whole painful process of yet another break up. . .yet another set of explanations as to why this one is wrong.

Now I don't actually beat myself up for falling. . .since at least this shows I still have some faith that there is someone out there. . .but what I do beat myself up for is the manner in which I fell and the fact that post fall I will now be more afraid. I should know better than to rush in. . .I should know better than to get carried away. . .I should know better than to complicate my life when there are already a dozen too many things happening right now. I also worry that by passing up on other things I just might just have cheated myself out of the falling for the right guy or doing something extraordinary in some other area in my life. I guess this is what the economists mean by opportunity costs.

Hope and/or stupidity springs eternally. . .so I am sure in a couple of weeks or a couple of months I will be ready to make the same mistake all over again. Perhaps if the right signs are made by the other crush I would even be willing to take another sucker punch even sooner. I just hope this time cupid is kinder and I am a little smarter. Or perhaps it might be better to wish I were a little dumber since all those people on daytime TV seem so much more certain about the directions of their lives and the correctness of their actions than I do even about picking out my wardrobe for the day. Maybe success in this regard is really about being certain in the face of overwhelming evidence that it is a bad idea . . .or maybe that is what the half of all people who fall in love, get married and get divorced tell themselves. I wish there were some class or text to clear this whole thing up for me.

2005-11-21T10:10:00.000-05:00

Dinosaur Man

So against my better judgement. . .I think all of my blogs about going out in search of a member of the opposite sex should really begin this way. . .my roommates, JC and M, and I once again ventured out into the world of the opposite sex. We attempted to take the high class approach this time going to a bar where you can actually hear yourself think and therefore hopefully hear other people speak. I realize that in general worrying about what people actually have to say at a bar is a bad idea but it least it was a bad idea we had yet to try.

The evening started out a little slowly since several TVs were still on in the bar and most of the male attention was diverted to the football action on screen. So my roommates and I each decided to try one of the exotic martinis on the menu. I chose the "Absolut Hunk" mostly for its name and in a symbolic ritual of wishful thinking. The drink like most wishful thinking was ok but didn't quite live up to its promise. My roomies after about an hour of talking to each other exclusively were getting restless and wanting to move on to a more happening bar.

Then the first contestant for the night decided to approach the group. He looked normal enough but once we agree to let him sit down he seemed to be dumbstruck. He would ask questions which didn't really require too much of an answer but we trying to be good sports would keep the conversation rolling for a few minutes. The real problem was when questions went the other way. . .he seemed incapable of talking for more than a sentence which led to a great deal of akward and painful silence. Who ever said silence was golden had clearly not ever had a conversation with this guy. Finally, my roommate JC who was the focus of his attentions and who looked as if she might be willing to chew off a body part to escape this conversation got tough with the guy (aka openly mocked him to his face). Unfortunately, this did not seem to deter him. . .instead it seemed to spur him on in his attempts to woo her and not only did he not get up and leave he tried to get her to go and have a drink with him in private. Thankfully when she declined outright he did finally go away.

So, somewhat shell shocked but feeling as though things really can't get any worse our brave little band decided to scout a new position in the bar. Having shifted position and reinforced with a new round of drinks we were approached by the second contestant for the evening, Drunk Guy #1 for the night. Drunk Guy #1 while seeming to ooze personality and goodwill made up for what he lacked in conversational skills with swift action and affection. He walked straight over and put an arm around first JC and then M and told them he loved them. The looking more confused than scared were then kissed squarely on the mouth with sloppy drunk guy style. I completely stunned in the way you are usally only when watching a traffic accident should have known to move faster and was then not only kissed squarely on the mouth but also picked up arms locked at my sides making escape nearly impossible. Strike Two for the evening. . .but it can't get worse right?

Wrong. We have just regained our composure and thrown back most of our second round of drinks hoping the alcohol will kill most of the germs we have just been exposed to when the third and strangest contestant, Dinosaur Man, for the night strikes up a conversation with me. He begins by asking me if I think he and the woman sitting to his right would have beautiful children. I try to diplomatically stay out of it since my opinion would likely not be complementary. Still he persists exclaiming she is his fiance which we both know from the frightened look on her face that she is not. He continues talking and regailing his new audience, my roommates and I with stories and jokes, giving the previous girl time to wriggle away. While somewhat funny and charming he has some odd behavioral traits the first and most obvious of which is penchant to do dinosaur impersonations. No lie. . .I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.

We continue talking with this guy mainly because. . .well he seems to be at least entertaining and funny and he is so loud you really can't ignore him. Finally he somehow manages to talk us into going to breakfast, his treat, in exchange for giving him a ride back to his car. We feeling the damage has been done for the evening agree this sound like not the worst idea ever and set out for Village Inn. He for his part is very entertaining insisting on bringing in the headrest from M's car and requesting an additional seat for the head rest, hugging the staff, and fullfilling the as of yet unfullfilled obligatory comparison for any night out of me to some actress in this case Jennifer Garner. The most fascinating thing about him is his inability to give a straight answer to what he does for a living. . .

It is now time to go home. . .the question is what to do with Dinosaur Man? He is clearly too drunk to drive and now we have some sort of responsibility for him. So somehow it is decided he will come back to the house with us and sleep on the couch at least until he is sober. I some how being the oldest or some similarly shaky criteria get elected to drive his car with him in it back to the house. He is not a very good passenger trying at least once to try to grab the steering wheel and threatening at the light to jump out and rejoin the other car because "you are no fun." In order to distract him and avoid being pulled over I give him my cell phone to call the other car in the hopes it will distract him long enough to get us home safely.

We finally arrive home and he refused to sleep on the coach and installs himself in my roomie JC's bed. JC always the trooper takes this in stride and turns out the light on him and announces she is going to go shower in the hopes that he will be passed out when she returns. Unfortunately he isn't and not only is he entertaining thoughts of getting a little somethin' somethin' from her but keeps asking her to go get me. . .apparently visions of grandure and threesomes are dancing in his alcohol marinated brain. Thankfully my roomie doesn't disturb me even though I have wandered down the hall several times to check on her. In the morning. . .he like most bad dreams is gone and order is restored to the house. JC really took one for the team this time. . .I owe her one. . .lets just hope she never feels the need to collect.

2005-09-12T14:32:00.000-04:00

Everyone has a story. . . Mine just happens to be a little odder and hopefully funnier.

So I should start by explaining. . .Despite the title of my blog. . .I am not unhappy of about being single nor so cynical that I wander around muttering "I hate men." In fact the opposite is probably more true. I actually like men. . .I can't say I fully understand them and sometimes the things they do and say baffle me. I know that it is usually men who complain about utterly baffling behavior of the opposite sex, but I am here to declare to the world that this particular street runs both ways.

This blog is supposed to serve as a chronicle of sorts. . .Let's call it a sociological journal of the truly odd behavior that single people (including me) engage in an attempt to be not single either temporarily or permanently.

In search of Mr. Right (Now)

Last week. . .in search of "mister right now," me and one of my roommates journeyed out to a club. Since we live in a college town and are both over the age of 22, we hit a bar that is known to have a mix of slightly older to very old single people in an attempt to avoid being hit on by 19 year olds drinking on fake ID's. Frequently clubs like this means that you must inevitably put up with being hit on by some men who have: (1) the ability to remember things from before even your parents were alive (2) lost count of the number of times they have been married/divorced (3) social skills akin to the 40 year-old virgin (4) become bitter due to some ex-wife/girlfriend/crush screwing up their life, or (5) declared independence from any relationship and only want to "have a good time." These are strange creatures. . .and while they don't represent the entire population of men on the single club circuit unfortunately do represent a large number of the people I have met over the last year.

I (despite an overwhelming amount of evidence to the contrary) still have faith that somewhere in the world there are as of yet undiscovered pockets of "nice" and "normal" guys who are just waiting for the right woman to come along. It is the quest for this type of bachelor that sends single girls such as myself out with our friends weeks after week.

We had been in the club for a little less than half an hour when we encountered another dangerous situation know to single women everywhere, the ex-boyfriend. Don't get me wrong many of my ex's are great guys, but except for certain rare cases there is always a certain amount of awkwardness that goes with greeting them and being in a club seems to intensify the uncomfortable nature of these exchanges. So I did what any brave soul in this situation would do . . . I avoided him for as long as possible.

The evening continued on fairly uneventfully for a while. . .until the usual cast of strange and unusual characters began to present themselves. The first "character", we will call drunk guy #1. He having consumed enough "liquid courage" this guy or a reasonable substitute will always approach swaying a little. This particular guy engaged the more and more common pick-up line as of late of hey "you look like. . .insert actress of whom he has a rich fantasy life with here." In this case, it was "that actress from Million Dollar Baby." While I fully respect Hillary Swank's athletic body and ability to kick many people's asses, I (no offense) hope I don't resemble her. I trying to act clueless in the hope he will get discouraged and go away reply "Who?" Drunk Man #1 says to this, "I don't know her name but she is hot." Well. . .I can say this is one of the scarriest pick up lines I have encountered in months for several reasons: 1)I have just been compaired to Hillary Swank, 2) the amount of alcohol being breathed on me at this moment was enough to strip paint or at least make my very straight hair frizzy.

Now, if I had good sense these two bad signs would have had me packing it in for the evening and snuggling up with a good book on the coach, but both bravely and foolishly my roomie and I pressed on. The next round of bachelors bore a resemblance to escapies from the movie "Deliverance." Two of these said bachelors has accents so thick you could repair damaged space shuttle tiles with them and conversing with them felt a bit like trying really hard to understand people who have English as a second language. The next interesint character to strike up conversation with me bore a strong resemblence to Willie Nelson (yes that old) and was certain my name was Stephanie which by the way it isn't.

Strike three for the evening came when trying to flee the disaster of mixing me with people with thick southern accents (In general, I find these accents cute and even pleasant to listen to. . .but as a serious type A personality I just find our world outlooks and personalities don't usually mesh). I ran quite litterally into said ex mentioned above who was also clearly drunk. He was carrying not one, not two, but three beers. He claimed not to have seen me earlier which I find hard to believe because despite only being 5' 3" I saw him and his 6' 6" frame I would imagine gives him a much better view. He chatted me up for what seemed like hours. . .please let it end. Eventually, explaining that he would call me. Great just the reason I left the house this evening to meet someone I already established I don't like. . .

***Tip to any and all single men who have dared to read this far. . .If you know you have had too much to drink, don't talk to women unless they too appear to have had too much to drink. Otherwise you risk the following: 1)being laughed at in the face and rejected, 2)being rejected and laughed at behind your back. Everyone has a little too much to drink sometimes but in these cases it is best to either go home or stick close to your friends who like you drunk or sober.