Dinosaur Man

So against my better judgement. . .I think all of my blogs about going out in search of a member of the opposite sex should really begin this way. . .my roommates, JC and M, and I once again ventured out into the world of the opposite sex. We attempted to take the high class approach this time going to a bar where you can actually hear yourself think and therefore hopefully hear other people speak. I realize that in general worrying about what people actually have to say at a bar is a bad idea but it least it was a bad idea we had yet to try.

The evening started out a little slowly since several TVs were still on in the bar and most of the male attention was diverted to the football action on screen. So my roommates and I each decided to try one of the exotic martinis on the menu. I chose the "Absolut Hunk" mostly for its name and in a symbolic ritual of wishful thinking. The drink like most wishful thinking was ok but didn't quite live up to its promise. My roomies after about an hour of talking to each other exclusively were getting restless and wanting to move on to a more happening bar.

Then the first contestant for the night decided to approach the group. He looked normal enough but once we agree to let him sit down he seemed to be dumbstruck. He would ask questions which didn't really require too much of an answer but we trying to be good sports would keep the conversation rolling for a few minutes. The real problem was when questions went the other way. . .he seemed incapable of talking for more than a sentence which led to a great deal of akward and painful silence. Who ever said silence was golden had clearly not ever had a conversation with this guy. Finally, my roommate JC who was the focus of his attentions and who looked as if she might be willing to chew off a body part to escape this conversation got tough with the guy (aka openly mocked him to his face). Unfortunately, this did not seem to deter him. . .instead it seemed to spur him on in his attempts to woo her and not only did he not get up and leave he tried to get her to go and have a drink with him in private. Thankfully when she declined outright he did finally go away.

So, somewhat shell shocked but feeling as though things really can't get any worse our brave little band decided to scout a new position in the bar. Having shifted position and reinforced with a new round of drinks we were approached by the second contestant for the evening, Drunk Guy #1 for the night. Drunk Guy #1 while seeming to ooze personality and goodwill made up for what he lacked in conversational skills with swift action and affection. He walked straight over and put an arm around first JC and then M and told them he loved them. The looking more confused than scared were then kissed squarely on the mouth with sloppy drunk guy style. I completely stunned in the way you are usally only when watching a traffic accident should have known to move faster and was then not only kissed squarely on the mouth but also picked up arms locked at my sides making escape nearly impossible. Strike Two for the evening. . .but it can't get worse right?

Wrong. We have just regained our composure and thrown back most of our second round of drinks hoping the alcohol will kill most of the germs we have just been exposed to when the third and strangest contestant, Dinosaur Man, for the night strikes up a conversation with me. He begins by asking me if I think he and the woman sitting to his right would have beautiful children. I try to diplomatically stay out of it since my opinion would likely not be complementary. Still he persists exclaiming she is his fiance which we both know from the frightened look on her face that she is not. He continues talking and regailing his new audience, my roommates and I with stories and jokes, giving the previous girl time to wriggle away. While somewhat funny and charming he has some odd behavioral traits the first and most obvious of which is penchant to do dinosaur impersonations. No lie. . .I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.

We continue talking with this guy mainly because. . .well he seems to be at least entertaining and funny and he is so loud you really can't ignore him. Finally he somehow manages to talk us into going to breakfast, his treat, in exchange for giving him a ride back to his car. We feeling the damage has been done for the evening agree this sound like not the worst idea ever and set out for Village Inn. He for his part is very entertaining insisting on bringing in the headrest from M's car and requesting an additional seat for the head rest, hugging the staff, and fullfilling the as of yet unfullfilled obligatory comparison for any night out of me to some actress in this case Jennifer Garner. The most fascinating thing about him is his inability to give a straight answer to what he does for a living. . .

It is now time to go home. . .the question is what to do with Dinosaur Man? He is clearly too drunk to drive and now we have some sort of responsibility for him. So somehow it is decided he will come back to the house with us and sleep on the couch at least until he is sober. I some how being the oldest or some similarly shaky criteria get elected to drive his car with him in it back to the house. He is not a very good passenger trying at least once to try to grab the steering wheel and threatening at the light to jump out and rejoin the other car because "you are no fun." In order to distract him and avoid being pulled over I give him my cell phone to call the other car in the hopes it will distract him long enough to get us home safely.

We finally arrive home and he refused to sleep on the coach and installs himself in my roomie JC's bed. JC always the trooper takes this in stride and turns out the light on him and announces she is going to go shower in the hopes that he will be passed out when she returns. Unfortunately he isn't and not only is he entertaining thoughts of getting a little somethin' somethin' from her but keeps asking her to go get me. . .apparently visions of grandure and threesomes are dancing in his alcohol marinated brain. Thankfully my roomie doesn't disturb me even though I have wandered down the hall several times to check on her. In the morning. . .he like most bad dreams is gone and order is restored to the house. JC really took one for the team this time. . .I owe her one. . .lets just hope she never feels the need to collect.