Flirting with Disaster

Why is it that flirting feels so good? My mother says I am a world class flirt and often insinuates that I flirt to get my way. She loves to take me to businesses run by and/or staffed by men swearing she gets better service than if it just her and Dad. I swear I don't flirt to get my way or anything else for that matter.

I also swear I don't flirt with anyone who I wouldn't want the attention from. This leaves me with some serious questions about some of the male behavior I observe on a daily basis.

Unless, I don't even know I am doing it. Maybe I am sleep flirting?

Perhaps that would explain my socially weird co-worker's behavior around me which could be seen as some super odd form of flirting. Unfortunately for my co-worker (who my boss says has a "thing" for me) it just makes me want to run and hide out when he attempts to even speak to me. What I don't understand is why he doesn't take a clue. . .If someone avoids you for weeks they don't like you. I wish I could find the summon the crueler parts of my personality in order to just get these painful exchanges over with for good.

He isn't the only flirting disaster I know and regularly come into contact with. The other two are so horrific that just thinking about them makes my skin crawl even though I have only been subject to the attention of one of the two. This duo inhabits the same graduate program as I do and are collectively referred to by the women in the department as "creepy" insert guys name here.

The first need serious instruction in personal grooming and socially acceptable drinking behavior and resembles the GEICO Caveman. He recently invited one of my friends back to his "dorm room" to drink some beers. What woman could pass that up?

The second is roughly the same age as my father, bald, a know-it-all and insists on picking the tab for my drinks at happy hours. He is always invading my personal space and telling me how beautiful I am. ICKY!

I swear with god as my witness, I have done nothing to encourage any of them! It is my new quest to figure out how to anti-flirt with these people. Until then I must curb my natural southern raised charm and find new and interesting ways to hide out. . .I am thinking about asking some of my special forces friends for pointers on this but I don't think camo works very good in academic departments unless they make it to blend with bookshelves or file cabinets.