Passages and Growing Older

So it is January and again I find myself at a turning point of a new year. I've noticed as I have gotten older that New Years hold both more promises and more threats. The promises are those of a career finally taking off and the hope that maybe this year I will get my act together personally as well as professionally. The threats seem to all be related to family and the frailty of those we love.

As a child, my grandparents were always relatively healthy and active. As I have reached adulthood, I have seen my grandparents pass from active to frail and have seen the passing of two grandmothers in two years. My grandmother last year passed away in a car accident taken like anyone could be taken in an instant and without warning. A few days after Christmas, my other grandmother passed away after a protracted fight with Parkinson's disease.

In recent years, she has been a reminder of both how strong someone can be in the face of illness and the type of endurance it takes to live with such things and how difficult the limitations of our own bodies are at times. As her body failed and became unreliable, she had to depend upon my aunt and her family to care for her. She essentially became trapped by a body she could no longer control even though her mind remained as strong and sharp as ever.

I am beginning to think one of the hallmarks of adulthood is simply having to let go of those that looked over you and beginning to look over those that come after you. My parents have also recently begun to more openly show the signs of age with more frequent health problems and complaints of aches and pains. They are no longer able to keep pace with me and my sister and do all of the things they want to do. Their struggles scare me and remind me to take care of myself now in order to make sure I limit my own frailty later in life.

There is also hope this year mixed with all this melancholy and sadness. I am absolutely in love with my nephew. His chubby soft round limbs and devilish laugh made it impossible for my family to dwell to long on the past. He made us smile through our tears and reminded us that letting go of a loved one is sometimes necessary to make room for those that come after. He at 7 months old already loves words and books. He loves to laugh and play. He takes joy in almost everything and fears nothing.

I also know that in a few short weeks, I will be falling in love all over again with the arrival of another niece or nephew here in Vegas. The promise of watching over them as they grow makes all the struggle and saddness of the last year easier to take.

There is also promise in my own life of a career that is finally underway, an apartment that is starting to look like a sane adult lives there, a boyfriend that cares for me and wants nothing more than to make me happy, and a wide world to explore.