Recovery, Confusion, and Self-Doubt

So I think even if I don't want to admit it I am starting to feel better. I caught myself laughing and smiling a few times today. It if funny a younger version of me would have allowed myself to wallow for weeks based upon the events of the last couple of weeks. I guess one of the advantages of the hard things I have already been through in my life is that I have learned the hard way that I am tough enough to get through almost anything. Even the horror that has been the past couple of weeks.

It also doesn't hurt to have great friends. My friend D. without need of an explanation understood last night when I just needed to get out of the house and accompanied me to a movie and then a bar. She then allowed me to be my sad and pitiful self for a few hours while drinking enough to kill a few of the brain cells which I felt needed to be disposed of last night. (No, I don't generally deal with problems this way. . .But sometimes you just need a little alcohol to help you let go of all the stuff that eating at you.) Someday I will have to blog about my Darwinian theory of brain cells and alcohol but that will have to wait until I am feeling more cheerful.

Other friends have called to check on me and allowed me to vent, talk about other things, cry, and whatever else I needed. Thanks everyone.

The one phone call that I did take which I really shouldn't have was from said boy that previously ruined the end of my week. Why is he still calling me? He is the one that said he didn't want to see me anymore. So I answer the phone after he called me twice without leaving a message mainly because the curiosity finally got to me. Well curiosity did kill the cat and I am not so sure it is doing me any good either. He just wanted to chat like nothing had ever happened. . .I don't get it. So I just politely got off the phone because I don't need to by anymore confused.

The one thing about all of this I can't quite get over is the thought that there must be something wrong with me. . .Why do I scare the men I actually like away or simply refuse to take the risk if they seem unable to express their interest first? Am I really that screwed up and don't know it? Why don't I fight for myself more? Why am I so afraid to fail?