Losing my Identity

So, I was the victim of a crime this week. I stupidly left my backpack unattended when I went to the ladies room and came back to find my wallet gone. Luckily for me I hadn't brought my most valued possession, my laptop, to school with me that day. Unluckily for me it is merely days away from Christmas and the Grinch who stole my Christmas was really quick at making a mess of my life. By the time I managed to call the police to file a report and call all two credit card companies I have accounts with and navigate their endless automated telephone systems the thief had managed to rack up over a thousand dollars worth of bills. While I am eternally grateful for fraud protections of my credit card companies and bank, I am eternally miffed and the many stores where purchases were made and it is clear that they either failed to check ID or failed to check it very closely. I never thought I would see the day when my credit card company was the good guy . . .so often over the last few years have I preached against their business tactics and the slimy ways they recruit unwitting customers to spend more than they have.

So here I am a few days before Christmas returning gifts in order to make sure I have enough cash to cover the checks I have written for bills and my expenses to travel home since one of the most damaged cards was my check card which is directly tied to my checking account. I am really much more upset than I let on to the wider world since I not only feel poor but also violated in an odd way. I just feels so unfair that my modest spending habits and trusting ways are financing someone elses Christmas while my own family's presents will be late and probably less spectacular than usual. It also just feels odd to know that someone out there is wondering around claiming to be me attempting to use my credit cards and possibly even my personal information . . . It is also troubling that for the first time in months I was brought to tears while returning items I bought for my younger sister and her husband. There is nothing more undignified than crying in the Gap.

The Crush that Just Won't Die

I know it is bad . . .I who admittedly dated more lately than many of my friends do in a year . . .can't shake a crush. I still have yet to "go out" with said crush on an actual date but can't help compare all of the other people I have been out with lately to my crush. How can I be so obsessed with someone I have never and may never kiss? Is this really all in my head or is there a reason I just can't shake thoughts of this person?

Well. . .perhaps soon I will have to put up or shut up. I admit the possibilty that this will happen is low since I like every other member of my family am extremely stubborn. It is likely I will go on indefinitely being nonchalant about my interactions with my crush knowing all the while I will NEVER KNOW what could happen unless I take the risk. I think the risk is made all that much more scary because I really do care for this person and feel they are my friend. I don't want to loose them.

Or perhaps after long months of idealizing this person I will realize that perhaps it is just a case of wanting what we can't have. I am prone all too often to this behavior. For example, despite being really well educated and career minded I often think life would be simpler/better/easier/happier if I were just a housewife with a couple of kids. I usually later realize that if that is the path I wanted I have long since detoured off of it and I probably only want it because the door to it seems closed. I know I really hate CLOSED DOORS! I hate the feeling that there are just somethings that I can't have or have missed out on. I guess though I will never know if I could be happier in some simpler and more traditional life role. . .perhaps I will never know about the crush as well or perhaps I will do something rash! The one thing that is predicatable about me. . .is that even I never know what I will do next.

In Praise of Ex-Boyfriends

So as the song about the big yellow taxi goes "You don't know what you got till its gone . . . They paved paradise and put up a parking lot." I know it might sound weird but the last year of constant dating and the random cast of "odd" fellows I have met has made me appreciate my ex-boyfriends. I fully admit that at the time of the breakups with said various exes it is likely I would have declared them completely without merit and likely made fun of their frailties.

However, as time has passed and my experience with dating a wider range of people has grown. . .I realized I didn't really have it all that bad. While yes it is best that I eventually parted ways with them and no none of them was "the guy", they really on the whole compared to what is "out there" were actually in many ways exceptional. They were often smart, funny, accomplished, and caring and in general really good people. Even now I know if I really needed something it is likely that I could call them up and within reason they would help me out if they could.

I also feel with each boyfriend I get a little closer to knowing what I really want and each boyfriend tends to conform to that ideal a little better. While the space between the boyfriends also seems to be getting greater. . .I also think that this is mostly because I am less willing to go backward and to settle for relationships that are more flawed than those I have already had. So for Christmas this year. . .I guess I am giving myself a little hope . . .if I am lucky and the progress tends to continue then someday, somehow I will meet the guy for me and cure this chronic condition.

Insomnia and Other Joys of Stress

So, I have guess some of you have noticed I have not been keeping up my blog lately. . .it is because my life has become so unbelievably stressful and crazy that even I can't keep track of it. Somehow despite being in the middle of a job search, I have managed to commit myself to hanging out with/dating not one, but two guys. I have clearly lost touch with reality.

That and I am really not sticking with this Theory X and Y thing. I am fully ignoring the things about both of these guys which annoy me. . .the first one annoys me because he is clingy and needy. . . and the second one annoys me. . .well I don't know why but he just does. I think he sorta of reminds me of someone else who annoys me and he seems to want to show off a lot. Neither one of them feels like a match and I know I should really just move on. . .I am not worried about telling one of them this but I began to broach the "let's be friends" subject last night with Mr. Clingy and well lets just say it didn't go well and it was late and I really just wanted to go home. He actually freaked out and said "SO WE are OK right?" What we? When did I become a we with HIM? There is no we but, I just didn't go there. . .but I think it needs to happen soon.

Then despite barely holding my eyes open all evening. . .I couldn't sleep. I don't know if this is guilt, built up stress, or something else. I just know it didn't make me a very happy or productive citizen today. I hope sleep comes soon. . .I have two big interviews and no idea how I will survive the week already and without sleep it will be impossible.