New Link to a Friends Blog

I just wanted to take a second and point out a new link on my site to the "About a Girl" Blog. It is a friend's blog and I really enjoy reading it. It usually makes me feel like I am not alone in my cynical feeling about this whole dating/men thing and sometimes it is just funny. (It also doesn't hurt that my friend every once in a while mentions me although not by name so you will have to guess when she is talking about me or when she is talking about someone else's tragic life or dating career.)

If you need a chuckle. . .I recommend checking it out.

Sage Advice from Mother Theresa

I have found this poem very instructive as of late. I guess it is also a sign that I am waking from my sadness since this quote from a great woman and some say saint is essentially an expression of hope about the power of an individual to govern themselves responsibly in the face of a world full of unfair and unkind moments.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see in the final analysis. It is between you and God;

It was never between you and them anyway.
~Mother Theresa.

I Keep Trying to Tell Myself it is all a Matter of Attitude

So this week despite being feverishly busy trying to catch up on the mountain of work which greeted me after a week of personal distractions, trials and tribulations, I am still very sad. I guess I should be more patient with myself and allow myself time to get over the last couple of weeks but somehow being patient with my own emotions just isn't the mood I am in. I want to get over it now! I want to quit feeling like I am carrying a weight around with me which constantly slows me down and reminds me of its presence.

I just need a really good distraction. Unfortunately, the work as of late despite being exceptionally times consuming is not exactly thought consuming so it leads to a lot of thinking about the situation I find myself in. 1) Despite getting ready to graduate with my PhD I have no really promising job prospects (or at least none I find promising). So basically I am in a career cul de sac. 2) I am 28 years old, single and feeling more alone than I ever have before. I think this is mostly the product of the last couple of weeks and the realization that it is times like these I actually do NEED someone. This is a new theory for me I have always wanted to have someone around but the feeling that I need another half is all new. 3)My life in general is not going so swimmingly lately and perhaps it is time for some sort of radical change. The problem here is I am not sure what sort of radical change would shift the circumstances I find myself in.

I think these feelings have been coming for a while. . .and now I just have to figure out what the next step is for me. Maybe this is the push I have been needing to take more risks both personally and professionally.

Recovery, Confusion, and Self-Doubt

So I think even if I don't want to admit it I am starting to feel better. I caught myself laughing and smiling a few times today. It if funny a younger version of me would have allowed myself to wallow for weeks based upon the events of the last couple of weeks. I guess one of the advantages of the hard things I have already been through in my life is that I have learned the hard way that I am tough enough to get through almost anything. Even the horror that has been the past couple of weeks.

It also doesn't hurt to have great friends. My friend D. without need of an explanation understood last night when I just needed to get out of the house and accompanied me to a movie and then a bar. She then allowed me to be my sad and pitiful self for a few hours while drinking enough to kill a few of the brain cells which I felt needed to be disposed of last night. (No, I don't generally deal with problems this way. . .But sometimes you just need a little alcohol to help you let go of all the stuff that eating at you.) Someday I will have to blog about my Darwinian theory of brain cells and alcohol but that will have to wait until I am feeling more cheerful.

Other friends have called to check on me and allowed me to vent, talk about other things, cry, and whatever else I needed. Thanks everyone.

The one phone call that I did take which I really shouldn't have was from said boy that previously ruined the end of my week. Why is he still calling me? He is the one that said he didn't want to see me anymore. So I answer the phone after he called me twice without leaving a message mainly because the curiosity finally got to me. Well curiosity did kill the cat and I am not so sure it is doing me any good either. He just wanted to chat like nothing had ever happened. . .I don't get it. So I just politely got off the phone because I don't need to by anymore confused.

The one thing about all of this I can't quite get over is the thought that there must be something wrong with me. . .Why do I scare the men I actually like away or simply refuse to take the risk if they seem unable to express their interest first? Am I really that screwed up and don't know it? Why don't I fight for myself more? Why am I so afraid to fail?

I Must Have been a VERY BAD GIRL IN A PAST LIFE

Ok, I admit it I am sinking. . .life is finally beating me down and there seems very little at this point that could get me to even smile again. I don’t know what I have done to deserve the past couple of weeks but whatever it was all I can say is if there is a higher power in the universe is “I AM SORRY PLEASE STOP!”

The only thing that had me holding steady over the last week to the end of my quickly fraying rope were the guy I met/had a first date with on New Year’s Eve and the job interview that as we speak I am flying home from. Those two things too how have seemingly crumbled into false hope and disappointment. And I a person who until the last couple of weeks could honestly not remember the last time I cried I sitting on an airplane openly weeping without the ability or even the care to stop. I just simply can’t.

We will start with the job interview which on its face looked like a good idea going in. . . However upon my arrival and subsequent stay just seemed to be one detour leading to a dead end. I am not saying that no one could be happy in this place. Just that it isn’t the job for me and to me it looks more like a trap than an opportunity.

Now onto the guy who last week I raved about how wonderful and supportive he had been through the ordeal of the my grandmother’s death. He called me this evening on my way home from this week from hell to tell me he still has feelings for his ex and doesn’t feel right pursuing a relationship with me as long as he feels this way. Thanks now my destruction is complete and I needn’t worry about looking forward to anything or even having a happy thought for a while. I think I won’t get out of bed tomorrow. I feel like I just got sucker punched.

So perhaps like Earl Hickey on My Name is Earl I am being punished for some former misdeeds. Only I think in general I haven’t been all that bad a person so I am left to conclude I must have been like a Nazi or serial killer in a previous life to have earned the last couple of weeks. I may need to take up serious drinking habit or yoga if this continues and right now the drinking problem seems more likely and helpful but I am sure this too shall pass. . .

Why Can't I Let Someone Help ME?

So I have realized this week I need help every once in a while. Despite my declarations of independence earlier this week. . .I needed someone this week. I needed someone to take care of me. It has undoubtedly been a disasterous couple of weeks for me. I have in the last 3 weeks had a string of disasters both minor and major: my grandmother passed away, my friend's stepfather passed away, my wallet was stolen, and I didn't get the job I wanted and unfortunately had gotten my heart set on. I feel beaten and tired.

My only saving grace has come in the form of a guy who has stepped up to take care of me despite only having known me for a week. I can't express how thankful I am for him or even understand why anyone would go to such great lengths for someone they don't really even know. He not only has taken care of me in ways I can't express he has done so gracefully and cheerfully. He has let me cry and given me space to talk and be myself away from the weight of my problems.

I have also been taken aback by my own resistance to being taken care of. I guess I just don't want to admit that I need help. Or that I can't do it on my own. What I don't know is why that admission is so scary. Perhaps this is the point I have needed to get to in order to get myself to let go and really let someone in. . .Why must personal growth be so painful? Or perhaps I am afraid that letting someone see that weekness will only make me that much more vulnerable.

"Anything Less than Extraordinary is a Waste of My Time"

So I have finally simplified my dating life after months of chaos. . .I am again matchless. No, they didn't all just give up. . .I did. I just really realized that there was no point in continuing to see anybody when nobody seemed to really be the sort of person I wanted to spend a lot of time with. Some of them are very nice guys and are really great for some reasons but I just can't see wasting any more of my time on anyone who I am less than enthusiastic about. So I am going cold turkey on men until I meet some one who makes me wake up in the morning excited to see/talk/think about them.

I guess it all boils down to the above line from my favorite bad movie "Dream for an Insomniac" where the main character often says that "Anything less than extraordinary is a waste of my time." The more thought I give to this statement the truer it seems to be. In our busy world why run waste your precious few free moments on something or someone that doesn't make you happy? I know perhaps this is a bit extreme. . .but for now at least it is how I feel. I am not saying I won't still be open to the possibility of new relationships or new love . . .but for now I am sitting this one out and doing my own thing for a while.